Tuesday, July 01, 2008

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER



A Dear blogger friend forwarded this to me and I couldn't resist. I've never laughed so hard. Why? Because my mother (true story) use to write our dates license plates down and then threaten to call the police if we weren't home by midnight Imagine my horror arriving late one night (4:00am) to see a cruiser in the driveway with lights flashing!!! Oh pity Katie and Abbey.....

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME _________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ____________
HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________
IQ __________ GPA _________
SOCIAL SECURITY #______________
DRIVERS LICENSE #____________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________
CITY/STATE _________________________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________ ____________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain: ______________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ________________________________________
How often you attend ______________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? ____________
mother? ___________
pastor? ____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
_________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ Mother's Signature
________________________________ Father's Signature
_______________________________ Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi
________________________________ State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I'm still laughing..........more because I made Mai's boyfriend come inside to meet us when she first started dating him! OMG. I am my mother too... *snort*

10 comments:

Sharie said...

That is so funny. I don't know if you've seen the Trunk Monkey commercials, but I emailed them to my brother-in-law who made my niece's boyfriend watch it before taking her to prom. My brother-in-law thought he was funny. I was mortified for my niece.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

THIS IT GREAT...
LOVE IT..
I am printing as we speak... the kids are going to LOVE this...
Nick will probably use it on any of KyLee's boyfriends.. when she finally gets to have one at the age of 30... that is what Nick says..
LOL
Have a Great Week..
HUGS

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

hahahaha.. ummmm... something that is going to have to be handed out to all Shauna's boyfriends... I wonder if Chasity Belts will be on sale somewhere...

Gail said...

Dh says that Grace will be able to date when she's about 35 or so, and then he's going to accompany both of them! I think that's a bit extreme...
The scary thing is that age 5 she already has little 'crushes' on boys her age...Yikes.

Julie said...

You will be in the same boat as us - 2 girls in puberty at the same time. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now sending this to Tripp so that he can have his assistant publish this into a hard copy. It will be distibuted to all males in our area! Hee Hee!

Thanks for the laugh!
Julie

Our Red Thread Journey said...

My daddy was actually sitting at the bar cleaning his gun when my first boyfriend picked me up for our first date. He was PETRIFIED. Thinking about my daughters-to-be doesn't make that seem quite so insane, though...

Ms. _______ ! said...

hahaha...might freak out the boy but it's a good thing.

kerri said...

Printer is printing, making multiple copies for each daughter, LOL!!!!
Have a wonderful 4th of July, xo!!!

Mimi said...

this is awesome! hahaha

Mr.Brian said...

And this to just get past the mom,what is your husbands review going to be.
Well now days it may not be a bad idea to do all of this background checking.
Just start telling the girls no dating until they are 35.