Crazeeee

It's been one of those crazy kind of weeks. Crazy like ha-ha and not crazy like funny. Here's a little sneak pre-view on some of the moments that made me say "wtf"?

What I heard next was "Well, you're dry... and severely dry"... wtf was he saying. "Silicone"... thinking to myself been down that route..... "Plugs".....hmmm... what was he talking about? Was he looking at my eyes? Not dry "down there" my eye-balls you goof. They are so dry that I am literally scratching the cornea every time I blink. I went the the doctor's the other day (with the twins in tow) because I thought I was going blind . Well, I am legally blind, but I thought my eye sight was deteriorating over night. I was literally counting the steps to the bathroom in the dark preparing for the day my world went dark. Plus my right eye has been a mass of redness for a month. I squint terribly to read street signs and I don't dare go anywhere at night. I am unable to read bumper stickers or the car in front of me that I am nearly making love to. I discovered not only do I have a astigmatism but my prescription had changed drastically from a year ago. The good doc wanted me to think about having punctual plugs permanently inserted. He promised that it would be painless and I wouldn't need to use Artificial Tears the rest of my life. Sounds like an easy solution.

S.T. receives a package in the mail the other day. A small package. Really small package. What do you suppose was inside? Vitamins. But not just any vitamins. Now he takes vitamins. I don't. These were special vitamins. Cobra. Sexual. Energy. Vitamins. Hmmm, I don't know if he ordered these for him, or for me! My idea of sex these days is rubbing hineys as we crawl in and mumbling "goo-night".... poor s.t. We're gonna pop the seal on those babies tonight and see what happens! He said if he were to have a heart attack do not tell the paramedics he took Cobra. I would never......bwhahahaha.

I was minutes away from my hair salon babbling on the phone with my sister. The car is the only quiet place I have these days. No interruptions. Anyway my eyes quickly scans to my rear view mirror and there behind me larger than life is one of Virginia's finest . I was cool. I hadn't done anything. As the light changes I proceed with caution to turn left. Now I'm aware he's behind me, so I'm not going to do anything stupid. I even use my turn signal. Before I could even accelerate blue lights are flashing. I throw down my fone and start freaking out. I know I was NOT speeding dammit! I watch as Officer Pete (I think that's what he said his name was) saunters up to my car. WITH HIS HAND ON HIS HOLSTER. I immediately start panicking. I'm eyeing the sky expecting the police helicopter to swoop down upon me. Did he have time to access my record?! Shit. I just know he can hear my heart pounding as he steps closer to the car. I smile at weakly at him my eye starts twitching. Oh, great. Thank g-d I was wearing my sun glasses! He says "ma'am, (oh that's nice, make me feel really old!) the reason I pulled you over is because your tags are expired". Without missing a beat I respond (in my best Valley Girl voice) "no way, my husband takes care of the tags" as I'm reaching for phone to call s.t.. He looks at me stoically as if I was lying and says "the DMV has no record of you re-newing. As me and officer Doo-right are searching through ALL of my registrations we find 2006, 2007 and 2008 but no 2009! I would think he would have surmised that there clearly was a pattern here..... But still I was waiting for the cameras from "COPS" to show up as I was being carted me off to jail. BUT, he didn't cart me off, instead he gave me a ticket and asked me to sign a statement admitting my guilt. "Wtf"? I didn't do anything wrong. I clearly could see how this was going down. We were going to have a pissing match and I was going to admit my guilt in exchange for 10-20 without parole. I would be doing hard time with the likes of serial killers. I contemplated not signing but wondered how long he would hold me up. I was now late for my beauty treatment and my blood pressure was up. I guess 9:15a.m. would be to early for drink. *sigh*

Funny how since my girls arrival my life no longer revolves around me. I know my uptown girls would be aghast at what I use to shampoo and conditioning my golden mane with, but hell I don't really care. I love it and it's cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap I tell you. Anyway, I was in dire need of a little "touch-up". I've kept my dirty blond a pretty pale blond for more years than I can remember. But I was a bit miffed when I received the bill for my "partial" highlights and the bill was nearly what I pay for the deluxe! Needless to say I disputed the charges and I told them in a nice way that I never expected to pay that much for a 1/2 treatment! She quickly checked with my hair dresser who reduced the price by $40.00 stat. something about not wanting to loose me as a customer. Ummm- I smell a funny. It's a good thing, cuz she wasn't going to get a tip if she didn't! I know she is use to her trust fund ladies (who live on 20k a month+fh=bottomless pit) who never question what she charges them. But that's not me! Made me sad that she would try to take advantage of me. I've been a loyal customer for a long time.

S.T. let our cleaning lady go after over a year with her. I don't know why but it upset me more than I think it did her. Of course we didn't tell her it was because she sucked as a cleaning lady. He made up some shit about us traveling for the next couple of months. Like we do that. lol....I asked him if he was sure she understood that we wouldn't be needing her any longer. He assured me that she did. I said, "do you think she was relieved when you told her"? He looked at me and said "yeah, I do"! We both laughed our asses off. Our new housekeeper started the very next week. She charged us double to clean the house the first time because it was so filthy (I should be embarrassed. right?) and she and her partner were here over 5 hours. That was a tough one to swallow. But this past week s.t. said she was only here just barely 4 hours. Progress. The house now smells and looks clean again.

Notice: Some of you have asked about the darling T's (they are NOT onesies) the girls are wearing. I did a wine party a week or so ago for the DC Metro Moms and a local mom/blogger was there with her wares. Apparantley she rubs elbows with the rich and famous. AND I ain't talking about the "wannabe rich" I'm talking the uber-duber super rich! Hollywood style. Check out her site at http://babybrewing.com/mommy-needs/. Just a word of caution other than you're gonna go wild and shoot your wad on her stuff--the adult lady man beaters run small. I ordered a medium (cuz that's what size I wear) and I look like Dolly Parton stuffed into a size 0! So some lucky super tiny (you know who you are) will be receiving in the mail.......