Saturday, April 05, 2008

Crazeeee

It's been one of those crazy kind of weeks. Crazy like ha-ha and not crazy like funny. Here's a little sneak pre-view on some of the moments that made me say "wtf"?



What I heard next was "Well, you're dry... and severely dry"... wtf was he saying. "Silicone"... thinking to myself been down that route..... "Plugs".....hmmm... what was he talking about? Was he looking at my eyes? Not dry "down there" my eye-balls you goof. They are so dry that I am literally scratching the cornea every time I blink. I went the the doctor's the other day (with the twins in tow) because I thought I was going blind . Well, I am legally blind, but I thought my eye sight was deteriorating over night. I was literally counting the steps to the bathroom in the dark preparing for the day my world went dark. Plus my right eye has been a mass of redness for a month. I squint terribly to read street signs and I don't dare go anywhere at night. I am unable to read bumper stickers or the car in front of me that I am nearly making love to. I discovered not only do I have a astigmatism but my prescription had changed drastically from a year ago. The good doc wanted me to think about having punctual plugs permanently inserted. He promised that it would be painless and I wouldn't need to use Artificial Tears the rest of my life. Sounds like an easy solution.

S.T. receives a package in the mail the other day. A small package. Really small package. What do you suppose was inside? Vitamins. But not just any vitamins. Now he takes vitamins. I don't. These were special vitamins. Cobra. Sexual. Energy. Vitamins. Hmmm, I don't know if he ordered these for him, or for me! My idea of sex these days is rubbing hineys as we crawl in and mumbling "goo-night".... poor s.t. We're gonna pop the seal on those babies tonight and see what happens! He said if he were to have a heart attack do not tell the paramedics he took Cobra. I would never......bwhahahaha.

I was minutes away from my hair salon babbling on the phone with my sister. The car is the only quiet place I have these days. No interruptions. Anyway my eyes quickly scans to my rear view mirror and there behind me larger than life is one of Virginia's finest . I was cool. I hadn't done anything. As the light changes I proceed with caution to turn left. Now I'm aware he's behind me, so I'm not going to do anything stupid. I even use my turn signal. Before I could even accelerate blue lights are flashing. I throw down my fone and start freaking out. I know I was NOT speeding dammit! I watch as Officer Pete (I think that's what he said his name was) saunters up to my car. WITH HIS HAND ON HIS HOLSTER. I immediately start panicking. I'm eyeing the sky expecting the police helicopter to swoop down upon me. Did he have time to access my record?! Shit. I just know he can hear my heart pounding as he steps closer to the car. I smile at weakly at him my eye starts twitching. Oh, great. Thank g-d I was wearing my sun glasses! He says "ma'am, (oh that's nice, make me feel really old!) the reason I pulled you over is because your tags are expired". Without missing a beat I respond (in my best Valley Girl voice) "no way, my husband takes care of the tags" as I'm reaching for phone to call s.t.. He looks at me stoically as if I was lying and says "the DMV has no record of you re-newing. As me and officer Doo-right are searching through ALL of my registrations we find 2006, 2007 and 2008 but no 2009! I would think he would have surmised that there clearly was a pattern here..... But still I was waiting for the cameras from "COPS" to show up as I was being carted me off to jail. BUT, he didn't cart me off, instead he gave me a ticket and asked me to sign a statement admitting my guilt. "Wtf"? I didn't do anything wrong. I clearly could see how this was going down. We were going to have a pissing match and I was going to admit my guilt in exchange for 10-20 without parole. I would be doing hard time with the likes of serial killers. I contemplated not signing but wondered how long he would hold me up. I was now late for my beauty treatment and my blood pressure was up. I guess 9:15a.m. would be to early for drink. *sigh*

Funny how since my girls arrival my life no longer revolves around me. I know my uptown girls would be aghast at what I use to shampoo and conditioning my golden mane with, but hell I don't really care. I love it and it's cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap I tell you. Anyway, I was in dire need of a little "touch-up". I've kept my dirty blond a pretty pale blond for more years than I can remember. But I was a bit miffed when I received the bill for my "partial" highlights and the bill was nearly what I pay for the deluxe! Needless to say I disputed the charges and I told them in a nice way that I never expected to pay that much for a 1/2 treatment! She quickly checked with my hair dresser who reduced the price by $40.00 stat. something about not wanting to loose me as a customer. Ummm- I smell a funny. It's a good thing, cuz she wasn't going to get a tip if she didn't! I know she is use to her trust fund ladies (who live on 20k a month+fh=bottomless pit) who never question what she charges them. But that's not me! Made me sad that she would try to take advantage of me. I've been a loyal customer for a long time.



S.T. let our cleaning lady go after over a year with her. I don't know why but it upset me more than I think it did her. Of course we didn't tell her it was because she sucked as a cleaning lady. He made up some shit about us traveling for the next couple of months. Like we do that. lol....I asked him if he was sure she understood that we wouldn't be needing her any longer. He assured me that she did. I said, "do you think she was relieved when you told her"? He looked at me and said "yeah, I do"! We both laughed our asses off. Our new housekeeper started the very next week. She charged us double to clean the house the first time because it was so filthy (I should be embarrassed. right?) and she and her partner were here over 5 hours. That was a tough one to swallow. But this past week s.t. said she was only here just barely 4 hours. Progress. The house now smells and looks clean again.
Notice: Some of you have asked about the darling T's (they are NOT onesies) the girls are wearing. I did a wine party a week or so ago for the DC Metro Moms and a local mom/blogger was there with her wares. Apparantley she rubs elbows with the rich and famous. AND I ain't talking about the "wannabe rich" I'm talking the uber-duber super rich! Hollywood style. Check out her site at http://babybrewing.com/mommy-needs/. Just a word of caution other than you're gonna go wild and shoot your wad on her stuff--the adult lady man beaters run small. I ordered a medium (cuz that's what size I wear) and I look like Dolly Parton stuffed into a size 0! So some lucky super tiny (you know who you are) will be receiving in the mail.......

19 comments:

The Byrd Family said...

You are soooo funny when you are venting! I feel like I can hear you really talking about this to me personally. LOL

I hear ya on the hair, I just recently changed hairdressers and haven't even officially let my hairdresser of 15 years know yet that we are through :( I love her but she is $155.00 for highlights and a cut. A friend had me go last week to this guy who works out of his house and he only charged $85.00 for a full highlight and a cut! What a bargain!!

Have a good weekend! I love the shirt the girls are wearing....

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy(Kim & John) said...

LOVE this post...
First of all.. the girls are sooooo beautiful...
LOVE the picture...
2nd~ sorry to hear about your eyes...it sucks not having 20/20 vision.. believe me I know..
3rd~Cobra is cracking me up... rubbing hineys is tooooo funny..
4th~ I am sooo sorry to hear about your pull-over... hope it gets straightened out... I don't like those lights blinking at me either..
5th~Hairdressers keep getting more and more expensive.. Sometimes I wonder if I should have done that...LOL...NOT
and last but not least... glad you have a new house cleaner.. I wish I had one.... I am tooo damn picky..I would redo what she just did..LOL..
Hope this week is better...
Have a Great One..
HUGS GIRLY...

Sam said...

Man! Can't you have just a quiet simple week?! So, did ST really forget to buy the tags???

Miss you!!! Want to go to the zoo again this summer?

E. said...

First of all, those are the cutest damn onesies evah!!
I have one question - what cost you more, the hair appointment or the ticket??? ;) (Or your new cleaning lady?)
What a week!

Sophie's Mom said...

Me? I'm blind as a bat, too. I cry when I laugh, so no trouble with eye liquids here.

"A small package" tee hee hee

You couldn't flirt your way out of the ticket? I'll bet you didn't get tickets back in the good ole' days...

Reduce your bill by $40? I don't think I pay more than that for a highlight and trim! And that's at one of the best places in the city. Really!

Glad your house is smelling fresh and is squeaky clean. Mine's pretty clean right now, I put the 2 older kiddos to work for a bit today. What a mess it can get with 5 people and 2 dogs! :(

kerri said...

Okay the picture of the eye had me queasy, yikes!!I am getting old and blind as a bat, have resorted to buying the over the counter cheap magnifying glasses, the pretty ones,to read my book at night, LOL. How pathetic is that!!!
The Cobra vitamins had to laughing my arse off, not letting Superman see this post, my idea of bump in the night is hitting my toe on the bed post for my 2 am pee, LOL.
I too was stopped by the friendly O.P.P.(Ontario Police)the other week, escaped the big!! ticket. Jillian was being rushed to Pediatiric dentist, she was screaming and frantic, he looked at me with a "Sorry for your freaking luck lady, I'm getting out of here" look and let me go, yipee!!
Good for getting all prettied up(I'm lucky if I get the comb through mine lately), your do always looks fabulous!!

kerri said...

Oh yes, please do tell, where did you get the girls t-shirts??
I love them..

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Glad you are over your day for now... seems that it was a little 'crazy'... hahaha... you are to funny...

A day in the life of the little sister from China. said...

I don't know you personally, but sure wish I did! You are sooo funny. Love reading your blog. And your girls are beautiful!

LP in MI

Gail said...

Sorry about your ticket incident...HATE that kinda stuff. Ugh.

The "Cobra" vitamins cracked me up...

Love the t-shirts...man this "mommy needs a cocktail" for real as I type this. Great site! :)

Kristy said...

I have to tell you that I love the hell out of you. I wish we lived closer to each other because I just know that we would be great friends!!! Although with both of us nobody else would ever get a word in !!!!!! You have this knack for putting your thoughts into words like no other person in the world. You and your family have made me a richer person by knowing you even if it just on the computer!!!!! All of my peeps would love you too, we would have such a great time!!! And as for the post below yes your right they are beautiful!!!

Jewels of My Heart said...

ohhhhhhhhh big hug! I missed you this weekend. But sounds like your cup runneth over with STUFF!
love the pic of the girls. Sorry about the ticket but thanks for the reminder... mine is due this month.... hmmmmmmm now where did I put that?
Love you

Karen and Bob said...

Can your girls be any cuter?! Love the shirts...think I need to get one for my girl.

I can relate to the punctual plugs! Getting older sucks. I have the disolving ones, and they don't hurt at all. Your Dr will put in numbing drops...there's nothing to it.

Kathryn said...

You are so funny!!!! Love those onsies very cute on the girls. You certainly have a way with words.

Amyesq said...

I am just laughing so hard! Your post sounds so much like what runs through my brain most of the time.

Sorry to hear about your eye. That sounds HIDEOUS. And a good cleaning lady is priceless. I would die without ours.

Cindy from central NC said...

wow...just read your post. jeez, Rony, where in the world do you find the energy to write such great essays!
Sorry to hear about your eye. Ow, looks like it hurts...any better...

Your ticket...oh, poor thing...i thought for sure you were gonna get off with a warning...

pictures of girls -- love them...

the T-shirst -- oh, you should have seen Ed...he thought it was hilarious...

your voicemail...sorry i missed you...let's catch-up soon...

ed and beach planning....i'm going to email and harrass him once again.

hugs,
cindy

Steffie B. said...

OMW.....I have pee'd my pants reading this.....you are so funny.....your poor girl...when are we heading out for a vacation.

Let me know how the sex pills work.....lol

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy(Kim & John) said...

I just stopped by to see how you were doing..
Thinking about you..
I am now going to go over and look at those shirts.. because that is sooo me...
Hugs girly..

Yoli said...

Hi, love the post. Love your energy that comes across your blogs as always dear Rony. Do you ever see The Housewives of New York? I think it would crack you up.