Thursday, February 07, 2008

The first step......


Someone had asked me several months ago what kept me going during the long wait. My heart breaks for all of you who are anxiously waiting on your forever family. Still waiting. I too remember the pain as if it were yesterday. So much angst and despair. Like so many of you I questioned why no had answers. How could they not know "when" we were going to get our babies? No. One. Knew. Anything. Well, that's what they said anyway....But what I knew was that I was not cuddling and loving my baby. My arms hurt to hold her. I have hinted strongly hinted numerous times how I suffered with anxiety. I was not kidding. I did. Severe. I would have periodic blackouts in the middle of the day. I found myself in the car driving and wondered what and where I was going? True. My mind wandered. A lot. I even on more than one occasion convinced I was having a heart attack. But, I found a confidant. A coach. A mentor. A friend. I listened to her as if I were paying her handsomely. I did exactly as she instructed. No questions asked. I researched. I took classes. She was supportive. She was my flotation device. I don't know if she knew that she single handedly kept me from drowning in my own anxiety. I have only ever shared this with a handful of people however I want all of you to see what got me through the long painful months of waiting for "the call". I hope you all know I'm here for you too. Enjoy....



You've probably guessed by now that she was the one who held my hand and wiped my brow during the darkest day. She assured me it would be ok. She was right. She said I had to believe. I trusted her more than I've ever trusted anyone. This person I'd never met. But she blew me away when she made a page for the girls lifebooks. Friends like her don't come along too often in life. I admire, and adore her. You touched my heart. Thank you Sen.

20 comments:

Sophie's Mom said...

Beautiful book, and what a wonderful friend you have in Sen. I have yet to make a book like that for Sophia. I made a Kodakgallery book of our trip, and her pics from the orphanage, but it's not that personal.

Beautifully done, Rony.

cougchick said...

That is really cool and A LOT of work.

I'm so glad you had Sen to lean on and guide you through the horrible unknowns. Very special.

sweet-P's Mum said...

ugh, now you have to go and remind me that I need to be working on Piper's AND Paisley's lifebooks! and...you show off your scrapbooking skills to boot.

I dont think I like you anymore.

oh, and during the fertility & pregnanacy loss days,weeks, months, years, I suffered from anxiety so bad I demanded an EKG to make sure I wasnt having a heart attack!

crapola.

It's good to have friends who give a shit, sometimes that comes in the form of people who we havent met in person but whom we may have some things in common through this journey.

Glad you found yours. I hope I can do the same for my friends.

H

Gail said...

Thanks for sharing...I somehow thought I was the only one who has had anxiety issues during this wait. I beat myself up sometimes because I've gone through this wait once before for dd#1 and shouldn't I be better about all of this the second time? What does help me is being a mentor and sometimes a cheerleader to others in this long line who have never done this before.
Thanks Rony for the wonderful post, I will count you as one of MY mentors now. Hmm...now I need to get Grace's lifebook started. :)

Yoli said...

Rony what a beautiful post. Isn't wonderful that through this medium you found a friend? She is that and so much more. I am looking at your header and I am thinking that all that are waiting, should buddy up with a person either that has been there and back or are going through the same process. It is a hard long process, I am glad that I had Heather, I got through a lot of hard times because of her.

Love,
Yoli

kerri said...

You have reaffirmed what I was thinking all along, I am a lazy Mom, I need to get going on this project!!
Now I can't rush things, Jen has been home 5yr, Jill 2yrs. Can you say procrastinate, sigh...
Guilt is setting in....

Barbara said...

I too had terrible anxiety waiting for my first daughter. In 1999 we had no clue about when the referrals were coming. I told people I felt like someone had a rubberband stretched out and aimed at my face. I was so jumpy!
Sheesh, I have a LOT of work to do on my kids' books!

mommy24treasures said...

wow SOOO gorgeous! You are super crafty! Look at you! I am so impressed.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy(Kim & John) said...

I LOVE THIS POST!!!!
That is amazing..
You did a wonderful job... this is a very LONG wait, and I hope to hold up well on this amazing journey..
Today was a day that made it even more exciting on this journey..I met a family at work and they had adopted Vivian 1 1/2 years ago.. she was beautiful... Every time I see a family and they have their little girls or even pictures of these amazing little girls...
It makes this wait so worth every second.. I KNOW that ONE day I will hold Isabella in my arms.. and you will be right there cheering me on...
Thank you for helping me through this long wait ... just like Sen helped you...
Every little thing is a GREAT thing..
Hugs to you girly..

secret agent said...

Waiting for my sw to get off her ass.......and get my report done
along with a nasty wasp reaction and a type A personality.......after Infertility treatments, and then watching my line to China grow x 10......I have had panic attacks for the first time in my life. Ended up in the ER having all heart tests done.
It's crazy that one can have a completely Physical reaction as a result of too much stress.
They've subsided a lot, knowledge of what they were helped
knowledge that I wasn't insane or dying...

but I wonder if I will always worry about them coming back.

Scary shit.

I have thankful for YOU and Sen.

mmmwwwwwaaaaaa

secret agent said...

that's I AM thankful for you both.

mmmmmwwwwwwaaaaaaaaa

Jewels of My Heart said...

How this post touched my heart.... I felt your pain and it hurt me too.... I am so thankful that the anguish is behind you... He has given you BEAUTY FOR ASHES and the OIL OF JOY FOR MOURNING.... for this I am so thankful and I am so thankful for your girls. I am so glad you had Sen to help you through.
The life books you made are beyond words.... beautiful, priceless treasures...
It hurts me for those who are still waiting and for their little ones who wait... But I know God is faithful and I am glad they have you.

Bonnie'n'Clyde said...

Thanks for sharing that, Rony. The wait didn't get to me until just the past few weeks...now I'm feeling it. You've inspired me to start working on that lifebook I've been putting off!

girl of a thousand blogs said...

That info on anxiety is going to help a LOT of people out there who think they're alone, good for you. I have had anxiety in the past but I know there's nothing like "the wait." After awhile your friends start to glaze over when you see them, because all you can think about is this little Child half a world away.

Thanks for sharing the scrapbook, too. I love to see what others have done -- and Sen making a page for you is not surprising. She has a heart of gold and a tongue of fire, which is just what we love about her!

Kathryn said...

What a beautiful book!!
My husband suffered terribly last year with anxiety/panic attacks. He ended up in the ER on Christmas Eve thinking he was having a heart attack. It was frightening to see him go through this. We both have been going through so much these past six years. Fertility treatments, miscarriages, this incredibly long wait that we weren't prepared for. I have had to distance myself from thinking and dreaming of this little girl. I can't do it anymore, it's unhealthy. I'm happy that your dream came true, you have two amazingly precious little girls, what a blessing.
I am forever grateful for the wonderful things in my life and forever changed by this experience of international adoption.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

I know in time my turn will come... as much as I hate the waiting now... I like your book... hope your anxiety ok... I am fine when it comes to the wait - I get impatient but I get all anxious when it comes to work etc... I get tingles from my feet and up my body and over my head... and also cause I live in the same house as my 'inlaws'... I love em but... thank goodness we live in a 2 story house... they are Italian and I am married to the 'baby'... argh!

Steffie B. said...

Beautiful post, followed by beautiful pictures and memories that will last forever.

jennifer said...

Thanks for sharing your books. They are great. How great to have a friend who has walked the path before you. You are a great encouragement to me. Thanks.

Donna said...

I'm still working on G & M's lifebooks so I really admire you for having yours finished! Beautiful too!

Sen is a real gem. I've not met her IRL (in real life) either but I can tell she's just the kind of person I'd love to live closer to. It's funny how you can live in the same town with some people and have no connection to them at all and other folks can be half a world away from you but you just "click" and are good friends!

:)

Donna

Lori said...

That's awesome and special. Your pages are just beautiful and fun! :)