Saturday, October 06, 2007

I'm not perfect

My fearless little Abbey. You know mommy loves you
very much. Oh how I love you. More than you know.
There isn't a day that goes by that
I don't remind myself of this. Even when you're
like hurricane Andrew and into everything and
I've told you "no" a gazillion times. But somedays
you just about drive me over the edge my child who
is so full of vim, vam, voom and who never stops.
Never, ever, ever stop. Like last night.
I'm sorry sweetie but I'm not perfect.
Mommy wants you to know how distressed
I was with you last night.
I know you didn't understand that mommy had
to work today. My paid post. You didn't
grasp that every time you woke up with that
frightful screaming that I too was up. Actually
everyone in the house or within a 12 state radius
was awake now. Everyone except Katie.
I would tear down the hall blindly and
in such panic wondering what, what could
be so terrifying to you. My heart beating so
fast I thought it would explode. You must know
how heart breaking it was for me standing outside
your room listening to you sob. Why, because
you wanted mommy to "find your fluffy, who
you were clutching".You have to know that as
I stood there and listened to you sob I too sobbed.
I felt so defeated. But this morning I decided after
little sleep very little sleep that tonight should you
wake up screaming for Fluffy you are going to
have to work it out yourself. Mommy can not do
this every night 2, 3 and 4 times. I can't function.
I'm tired honey. It's not fair to you. It's not fair
to me. And no, it's also not fair to Katie and daddy.
But most of all it's not fair to Mai who
sleeps in the next room. She too needs her rest!
So, tonight my precious child--sleep.
All night........Please. I do love you. Mommy.


Anonymous said...

very good mummy

Suz said...

We have a similar issue with Hen-bug who wakes up 2-3 times a night looking for his binky in his hand. After pulling him into the bed and rocking him, we finally decided to let him work it out for himself too. And he did. But it was hard, hard, hard.

Jewels of My Heart said...

Big Hug Mommy.... I oh, so understand. The last couple of weeks Hannah is down to 1-2 times a night... I hope it stays that way and not back to 1-5 times. However this Mommy still can't seem to fall asleep before 2 or 3... booohooohoooo
I hope you both sleep peacefully and the whole night through.

Sophie's Mom said...

I feel your pain. Miss Sophie had night terrors and woke multiple times per night for a whole year. Ugh.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel... She's a great sleeper now. For her, the 'holding time' was the cure-all. (Hers was attachment related.)

Here's to a good night of sleep for you! (raises glass) said...

Well, I thought (I'm constantly looking for solutions!)it was a matter also of not enough covers. So, last night not only did she have her two blankets, I covered her in a giant comforter. I'll be damned if she didn't wake up screaming 4 times! I'm at wits end. Normally I'd let her scream it out, however we had family in from out of town and Mai's room is right next door. It's so awful. I'm dragging. AGAIN!

jennifer said...

Letting them cry it out is so hard! I am a firm believer in it, though. Of course, I haven't had adoption issues to deal with. I would always make my boys cry it out, as long as I knew all their needs were met. Good thinking with the blankets, there have been times when it would end up being something so small. Sorry it didn't work, though. It is very frustrating as a mother. Hang in there. "This too shall pass".

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

I would let her cry too.. that is what I always did.. But you know her better then anyone else...
Do what YOU think is best...
You are a GREAT MOMMY...
And those two girls know that you are the BEST..
My heart goes out to you.. Wish I could help you...
Hope you have a Better night tonight...
Hugs to you my friend...

Sophie's Mom said...

It's hard. I've always felt that our girls cried enough without someone coming to love them and sooth them when they were in the orphanage.

With bio kids (who've had their needs met from day 1) I completely agree with 'letting them cry it out', but not necessarily with adopted children.

When the kiddos get home, a big part of the bonding and attachment that happens is because we do comfort them, and sooth them when they need it, like you would a newborn baby (since they never got that).

Now, with that said, there ARE times when I have let Sophia 'cry it out, too'. I will usually tell her, "mommy loves you, but I'm not going to come in again tonight. It's time for bed, I love you, goodnight." For me it's usually when she calls me in for the 4th time; she just can't settle down for bed. It isn't when she really NEEDS me, you know? For me, if she needs me (and I think I can tell now), I'm there. I never know if it's been a bad dream or an insecurity that comes out.

I guess what I'm saying is we all know our kiddos, and we'll learn when to do which thing.

Some kiddos need a routine, and when things get 'crazy', it shows up in their sleep. Can you pinpoint what triggers her sleeping difficulties? Is it when she's up past her usual bedtime, or when Daddy's on a business trip or something? They're all different, and tough to figure out!

I just wanted to mention the whole unpopular topic of 'attachment' stuff, since so many comments had said (without further explanation) that they let them 'cry it out'. Since my girl had issues that I missed for a year, I just can't help it. Won't you please forgive me? I'm not trying to start a 'hot topic', just wanted to share my heart with the best of intentions.

Katie J said...

I hear you. We've had similar issues and it's sometimes hard to sort out what may be attachment issues, what's just part of growing up and then what to do about either of those things. Buttons didn't come with a handbook, so we're winging it. We're gonna make mistakes, but we're trying our best. Hang in there.

maia said...

Oh, that's a tough one - and everything is harder when you're beyond tired! I am wondering how I will handle that particular issue when the time comes. The therapists in the attachment classes keep saying to just suck up the "tired" and get up as many times as you need to during the night. They also say that "you will develop an instinct for it" and "you will JUST KNOW" when it's time to start putting limits on it. I sincerely hope they're right!! Wishinng you untold reserves of strength. It's so clear that you love them and they will know that and be buoyed and supported by it throughout their lives.

QJ-VNmama said...

I am so very sorry that you are going through this with Abby. We have our moments with Natalie, as well. Since June, I have been staying in her bedroom, rubbing her hair, until she falls asleep. Sometimes that takes 2 hours or longer. Then come the midnight wakings, sometimes 2-3 a night. Last night, as I sat there, I thought I would cry everytime she forced herself awake - just as she was about to drift off. She was overstimulated from a very busy day and just wouldn't give it up. I was falling asleep in the wooden chair that I was sitting in, finally I told her that I could not take it any more, that I HAD to go to bed. So I covered her up, gave her her blankies and bottle, her Magenta and Blue doggies, kissed her good-night and walked out. I expected a screaming fit, but miraculously, she stayed asleep. I will try it again tonight, keep your fingers crossed.


Nancy said...

Oh, I feel your pain.
You know what is best, and are doing a great job. Abbey is not going to love you any less for it.

Hang in there. Wishing you a better night's sleep. ZZzzzz!

Steffie B. said...

hang in there sweet girl.....I have gone through this with Sophia as well. I have turned down her moniter and only go in if it is a rip roaring scream. However, I do have say that I don't have to get her up. I can just pat her back, tell her everything is ok and walk out. She has about 6-7 blankets in her bed. She can always find one. I also tell me "no more crying".....some times I think she does it in her sleep.

Do you run a fan or anything in your rooms? That drowns it out (for Mai anyways). Is she eating too late before bed? Or maybe drinking too much?

Sending you Mommy smooches.....we have all been there! Hope yyou get some good Z's tonight!

nikki said...

I can SOOOO relate! I do hope their is a good night's sleep in your future.

P.S. NONE of us are perfect...but you're darn close!

Heather said...

(((HUGS)))) This is so hard and there are no easy solutions. But don't be too hard on yourself.

secret agent said...

let us know how tonight goes....
sweet dreams.

love the ad over to the right.... club jack9????

Dianne said...

So sorry to hear, you must be exhausted, and poor Abby. Wish I had some answers, I like what Sophie's mom commented. Although Abby probably wants mom in the night, can't others take turns to lighten the burden. Have you tried the nice, soft Carter's pj's with feet, my girls love them and stay warm and asleep when they kick off their covers in the night (which they always do).
Hang in there, wishing you and Abby a good night's rest for many moons! I'm useless without my sleep.

Christy said...

You are doing exactly what she needs right now. You are her mom and you know what to do. YOu know her better than anyone and if you need her to cry it out then she needs to cry it out. Your heart aches but it has to be done!! A few nights of grief will pay off in the long run. You are a great mom and she will never remember any of this so, you do what you have to do and eventually you will get some sleep. Good luck!!!

Christy :)

Salome's Mom said...

I am sorry, it can be exhausting. You will find the way that best works for you. I know how hard it is to operate with so little sleep. My work hours are 12+. You will need at some point to let her self soothe but that is entirely up to the needs of your child and you know her better than anyone. said...

Well, we may have found (holding breath) the solution. I basically "bundled" her last night. I put long jammies on her AND socks and covered her in 3 blankets. She did not wake up. All night! I think it may have reminded her when she was a baby. You know they bundled them in 12 layers of clothing even in southern China where it is 100 degrees everyday! She may have felt comforted. At any rate I feel rested. Daddy (even though he doesn't get up in the night) felt rested. Mai (whose room is attached to theirs) felt rested. AND little Miss Abbey has been so damn precious this morning. I think she too slept well.

Thank you for all of your wise words and great suggestions.

I'm off to work!

kerri said...

BTDT and still doing it.
Jillian wakes up 3 or 4 times a night just screaming.
I too am feeling sleep deprived.
Jillian wanted her covers fixed and me to find her BaBa. Now she won't even put blankets on.
The train whistles are terrifying her, it is one thing after another.
I too have decided she has to start to work it out on her own, she decided that was not going to happen!!
She has now taken to standing over me, pulling my face toward her while she is wailing...
((hugs)) my friend. :O)

Ellzie said...

I just love your honesty! You are such GREAT mom! I think you and I would be good friends! I'm coming out of hiding...I've been reading your blog for a few months and have decided to introduce myself. You can catch my blog at Take care and get a good night sleep tonight! Lisa

Crystal said...

I once promised Amelia GOLD if she would just go back to sleep and stay asleep. I can remember saying it walking across the house to the kitchen for another bottle of milk. (after of course we had told her she could have nothing but water in bed) I would have really paid or given her anything if she would just sleep through the night.

A Special Family said...

Oh poor Abbie, you & Mei and anyone else!!!
I hope she sleeps better very soon.

Beverly said...

Man do I understand those nights. hope things get better for you all.


Heather said...

Rony, We've *so* been there, with Owen, many times. I feel for you. I think Abbey and Owen are a lot alike. Hang in there. You're a great mom.
Love, Heather

redmaryjanes said...

I can so relate. I hope that this works and she can get herself back to sleep. Eli comes to bed with us every night and I end up sleeping on the couch because we all don't fit in our queen size bed. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I just scoop him up and put him in our bed anyway.

Jeff and Valerie said...

I try to let Malia cry it out at bedtime but I can't do it for too long a time yet. Working on it. Very hard. I hope you are able to keep your eyes open and that you enjoy coffee!

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Glad she did well last night...
Great tip to keep for later down the road...
Hope you had a WONDERFUL Day at work...
Take care girly

mommy24treasures said...

I hope tonite brings another good night of sleep.

Ellzie said...

You are too kind. Yes, hubba hubba, that is my husband with our son. Yes, that would be great if you put me on your roll! Take care, Lisa

stephanie said...

Oh Rony, you poor thing. I'm sorry I have no advice for you because I haven't had any practice with this......yet. But please do share what ends up working because I can't stand the thought of the bags under my eyes getting any bigger.

Lisa said...

You are doing her a favor by letting her learn to put herself back to sleep. I know it SUCKS, but you can do it!
Your girls are just adorable! It sounds like they keep you on your toes!!!

Julie said...

Hang in there sister! It will pass not sure when but it will. Mae would not scream but do this awful moaning and mournful cry. All while asleep


ps LOVE the stewardess do and outfit!

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

Uck, the middle of the night stuff is the hardest. She will work it out it just might take a few more nights than you would like. So sorry this is going on for you. I remember how Lily would wake up about every 6 weeks in the night and it would last for a few days and just when I thought the cycle was broken she would prove it waasn't. Get some good sleeps sweet mama.

Jen M. said...

If only she would understand your pleas...I feel for you. I was so sleep deprived with each of the boys (my girls slept like drunk truckers from an early age) that I had ringing in my ears that didn't go away for almost a year. The sacrafices we make for parenthood!

Lori said...

Aaahh Roni, this made me weepy, you're such a good Mommy. :)
Oh the tough things us Mommies must do.

[ M @ i ] said...

Dear ... My Sweet Host Mom!
You're very great mom!
Thank you so much for everything!
& Please Don't worry about me!
I'm alright! I could sleep!
(^_^) Ha Ha Ha! said...

My lovely Mai. You made me cry tonight. I love you so.... Thank you for being a part of our family. Love always. Mommy....