Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Keeping the crazies in.....

Beware: what you are about to read is true. Really. But it's my true......My world. Buckle up!



  • Life behind the great wall is one copious tangled scandal. A Fantasy Island of sorts(without Tattoo) brimming with fascinating people, who's who, and who's what, who's doing who (did I say that out loud?) and marked with fence chatter and free flowing sauce. Oh the gossip! Shocking at times--even for me! Desperate Housewives in living colour. A real life "Wisteria" Lane! OK. So our neighborhood has a gate. Big deal. The purpose initially was to keep scum of the earth the obnoxious out. But as I re-evaluate the latest events behind the "pearly" gates I'm now convinced it's to keep crazy ass nut jobs the defective and decayed safe from society! That's right. A compound for misfits. "You can check in but you can never leave". Yes, we're one big mess of a community, but no more than the norm. Oh, stop looking at me like that. We all have our skeletons, however some would rather refute than seek help. On to some of the more news worthy tongue wagging overheard on the treadmill between panting and gasping....

  • Our fitness trainer who I reluctantly forked over the youngin's college fund to have abs of steel and an ass that set up at attention (he promised...he really, really did...honest) was having a nooner*gasp*with a skinny hot mommy. It's not uncommon for him to make "house-calls' but I should have suspected something was up with the big ole' calling card she left on his neck and the smile on his face when we met for our bi-weekly appointments. No, I wasn't offered the same "special" she was and no, I wasn't jealous. Not really. Although he did have a tripping body. I'm still puzzled. How did she find the time or energy? You know with raising 6-kiddies?! That's right. Hell, I barely remember to put underwear on before running out the door. Who am I kidding? I seldom remember to use pitt defuser. It's only when I get a whiff of something vile waifing through the air, nose hairs curling that I find myself going ah-ha. That's what I forgot! But, how did she find the time ?! With getting kids on the bus, cleaning the house, lunch with the ladies, bang the trainer and then home to prepare dinner and help kids with homework and all with a smile for the hubs? Wow. But her sleazy dh was busy having his own rendezvous. There has been numerous discussion on who stepped out on who first. Was he the one sniffing around looking for a little "strange" or was it mommy dearest? Hmm. But even more interesting seedy dh was having fling with the fitness trainer's wife to be. Musical beds. Oh, oh, oh and the future "Mrs." schlepped drinks at our clubhouse for coins. Two-timing married couple have separated and hot skinny mommy (46 years old) is shacking up with 29 year old trainer with her kids in tow. If I hadn't seen it with my own peepers I would have doubted it. Lol. Need some of her Mo-jo. Last time I bumped into her she was simply radiant. It appears she is getting her daily work-out.


  • Our parish was voted (full bragging rights) the number one swinger's community in northern Virginia. Yes, numero uno!! This was broadcast on of our local simulcast. Big buzz of the town. I want to know who actually voted because I knew nothing about it and did not get to cast my vote! You want to know who the swinger's are, right? Or how you can join and if there is a secret password or hand shake?! I know how you sex crazed mommas think and some of you already in your car heading for my neck of the woods. Well, it's easy. If you want to "frolic" you arrange white pebble like stones around your shrubbery. Mark your territory. Wave your freak flag proudly!! No, fh and I are not part of this crowd! Really. We weren't asked to be honorary members... Maybe this is where fh could burn off some of that pent up steam?! Note to self check out houses with the stream of smiling people....
  • The Thai Princesses shared a funny with us the other night. Apparently our neighbor reported her car stolen. True, we've got some
    spoiled rotten rich kids unmanageable kids in the neighborhood, but this would be brave for them. You remember we do have a gate on the joint tighter(laughing really loud!) than Alcatraz! (bone of contention for some!) No one could possibly steal a car and slip by Sargent Barney Fife. Our security guard. He was employed to protect us. Insert big snort. Anyway, neighbor woke nanny up to
    cross examine question where she parked the *cough* mini van. Nanny quipped "where I always do... the driveway".... duh... Hot skinny neighbor became panic stricken. Unglued. Unhinged. Frantically dialing 411 the police AND even summoned Security Guard! Umm, yeah a bit erratic. Imagine how red-faced she was to receive call from the repair shop advising car was ready for pick-up. Yup, she had taken the mommy machine in the day before to be serviced. I'm guessing there was a little more in the coffee than just cream. No, this was not me. I swear. Shame on you for thinking like that.
  • I asked my fh (in that whispery voice that she suggested) if he would do me(he probably only heard "do me") a favor and douse the plants for me. He of course couldn't have been more accommodating. You would have thought that there was a little "lip" action attached to my request. Too tired... He came in awhile later snickering. I asked "what is so funny'? He said "Amy (not her real name) asked if the plants were dirty"? I looked at him with a clueless look wondering why she would ask something so odd. But of course thinking to myself I thought maybe she was "high". Anyway, fh reminded me that he was watering with the laundry detergent container. Of course true to form Jeff replied to her, "yes, they really do get dirty" and kept right on watering! He thought it was so humorous. He said you'll probably see her out there scrubbing her plants with laundry soap.
  • Our most recent piece of shit crap-ola circulating in my hood is that we are a commune without a leader. Oh, great. Just like our country. Move to my hood, there are no rules and no leaders! Our HOA manager and entire staff has finally had it. They've quit. We've had our own issues with the way our community has been managed. People just do their own thing here and with no regard for their neighbors. It's always been run a little "Willy Nilly", the blind leading the bling. Any hopes of utopia were short lived. Wishful thinking. Fh went to the HOA meeting to voice his/ours (which translates: mine) concern for the jackass that lives directly in back of us. He surmised his family plot was not nearly momentous enough for his
    greed craving to be big man on the block. So, what did he do? He killed off the protected interest behind his castle which interestingly enough is the escape hatch to our domicile. Arrogant butthole, asswipe. Just daring someone to challenge him. Of course we attacked with a venom. Like any covert operation we were able to shoot photos from our portico of subject in action killing off the woods. The protected coveted area. Single handed! The HOA imposed the maximum annual punishment. An
    astronomic dinky $900.00 hush money not to mention attached a lien on his fortress. Cocky homeowner could give a rat's ass and to add insult to injury he presides on the Membership Board!! We are petitioning to have him impeached and thrown off the board. If he didn't want to follow the protocol why did he set up shop in our hood? Now, I know there are some of you who reside in a HOA neighborhoods and who feel they have the Nazi's running their community. Well let me tell you--you don't want this. A loose ship in the harbour without a captain!! Ever.
  • I put girls down for a little shuteye cuz I needed a breather and wanted to catch up on my soaps reading when after 40 minutes I could still hear them chattering and laughing at one another. I smiled to myself. This is what I had waited for. It warmed my heart. Truly. But, I reluctantly pulled myself from the sofa. I knew I needed to evaluate the situation. They were after all supposed to be napping. I was all prepared to use my stern mean mommy voice but I was caught off guard when I bolted into their room. There sitting in a spread-eagle was Abbey with diaper off (naturally) bent over and touching her "who-who". Not only was she touching it but she was clearly checking out every crease and fold as if to see if she could figure out what made it work! I was speechless. I mean granted at some point she will "touch it" and maybe even "stroke it" but I wasn't expecting it to be Now. Not at two! My eyes reverted over to Katie who was just sitting in her crib quietly singing to herself. Yes, her diaper was off too but she wasn't as curious as her partner in crime. I think I would have freaked if they both were getting "busy' with themselves. Katie however had tossed her wet diaper on the floor and had helped herself to a new one. You might remember we had resorted to using gorilla tape to keep the girls in their diapers at night. Well, it looks like they will be wearing "special" diaper at nap time too. What next? Strip clubs?! Pole dancing?!


20 comments:

Salome's Mom said...

I am speechless, I don't know what to say. Between the talk of hot young instructor to cheating housewives, to Nazis and pole dancers, I don't know how to answer you. I am humbled into submission by your assult on the senses.

maia said...

Whew!! I don't even know where to begin. Your community makes our quiet Denver street look like Mayberry. As for the swingers thing...my husband and I became aware of a "swingers community" shortly before we moved away from Vail. We had both assumed that went out with the '70s. APPARENTLY NOT.
Then a couple weeks ago a good friend and former editor of mine (recently divorced) started talking about "cougar parties". Do you know what a "cougar" is? I didn't. I was amazed. I didn't think of myself as innocent....

The Real Me said...

Oh my. That stuff just doesn't happen HERE, does it? You do seem to have very detailed information, that only an insider could possibly know... I'm sharp as a tack, lady - you're not pulling the wool over my eyes!

And your girls - did you tell them they'll wet the bed? Oh, no - my bad - that's if they play with FIRE. I always get those confused!

Christy said...

HOly Cow!!! Who needs TV when you live in your neck of the woods!! That is totally crazy but oh so fun!! Love the good gossip-- keep it comming!

Chrsity :)

Steffie B. said...

OMG.....I am cracking up beyond words.....I wanna come live in your neighborhood! We'd tear it up girl! lol

AND.....I told you to not let Abbey watch you! Put away your toys and take down the stripper pole in your bedroom!

Smoooooooches......

Noemi said...

WOW! I am just speachless! AND ROFLMAO!

Elizabeth said...

You have solved my problems of what new fall TV shows to watch. This is better than anything on TV! As far as the self-taught anatomy lesson - according to my parents (yeah, apparently I was also an early self-educator) it leads to good naps.
The good news is, except for an extremely comical aerobics class, I've stayed off the pole!

A Special Family said...

I laughed so hard I fell off my bed, yes the earth moving was the sound of my big behind landing on the floor...

um, if you live on Whisteria Lane, can you PLEASE send over your gardener ;)

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

I am glad I checked you sight before work...
I am sitting here laughing so hard...
All I can say...because I am laughing so hard...is
GO GIRLS...(pretainting to the Pole Dancing)
You have such interesting neighbors...
Love it...
Your neighborhood will keep us all laughing through this long wait...
LOVE YA
HUGS
Kim

Mr.Brian said...

I am thinking you should send this to Desperate Housewives.Thay could use some more spice on the show.
I think I will stay in my small tow of 5,000 where I can sit outside and talk to my neighbors and not have all the excitment you do.
As for the girls,I just am smiling and thinking I am glad I live alone with my two dogs.Less stressful.

Sophie's Mom said...

Oh my, the crazy life you lead! Sounds like never a dull moment. Oh how you'd hate country life... 2,600 in my town. Now I'm wondering how many of them are swingers...

You always entertain me with your wit!

kerri said...

Let me know when something comes up for Sale. LOL!!!

jennifer said...

I can't wait to move back in a neighborhood! I have missed all the dirt. Thanks for the fix!!

cougchick said...

That is definitely an episode of DH but have you seen the new show "Big Shots"? It's on after Grey's anatomy and it is a male version of DH. Total man-whores. I love it!
As for your Community Association. Yuck. They can definitely go too far but mayhem might be worse.

Kimber said...

Too funny! I could not get to your site for THE LONGEST time!!! It simply would not load on my computer. This week my computer crashed and I had a bunch of upgrades so I decided to try again and it worked. When I saw those locked gates, I thought your were locking me OUT;) LOL!
I have A LOT of catching up to do here:)
You could write this all down for a certain TV show! How does one make any friends in this hood?

Kim

secret agent said...

OMG..........this is hysterical.
Please share what a freak flag looks like...
I know a guy who "swings"
we got him over here for Christmas dinner and I outed him
and the family proceeded to lecture him all night about the risks involved.
Love this post.... can you snap of shot of trainer guy for us next time?

redmaryjanes said...

Girl, You are beyond Wisteria Lane. Never a dull moment and I love to come by and catch my soap opera (I mean read your blog) to see what's up!

Jeff and Valerie said...

My gosh your life is interesting. Mine is such a bore. I have to come over and read your blog to add excitement to my life.

How is Mo-Mo?

Jewels of My Heart said...

Oh, My...... Never a dull moment in your world... lol

Diana said...

The girls are "normal", just doing the regular girl thing during "private" time just that it's not so private with sister there! hehe
One of mine ( and I won't say who) has definite interest "down there" quite regularly and the other is the Blessed Virgin Mary.
God Bless them both.
Threw me for a loop though, who would've thunk it?