Apply within!

Call me an elitest.....

Forrest goes to heaven...

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.

'Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins With the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today andTomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I Will give you credit forthat answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, And I guess the only answer can be twelve.' astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

''Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will Have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can Understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?''

Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.

'Lord, Give me a sense of humor Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life. Life should not be that hard!

Butt Dust

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine; no adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. 'I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon: I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...
'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?

Now that's an Abbey statement!! LOl.

What would you do???

While I'm busy writing my memoirs, heres one to ponder.....

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - --- - - - - - - HUSBAND: F*ck ....................... ha ha ha ha.......so busted!

The Raise

Warning: Adult comedy. Proceed at your own risk.

The Raise

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administra tion rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders

of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area

and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be

pressured and stimulated in order

to start working.

You leave the workplace rather

messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary

safety regulations, such as wearing

the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated

work area before you have completed

the assigned task. And if that were not

all, you have been seen constantly

entering and exiting the workplace

carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, BR V. Gina

Childhood memories

I have been tagged to do a meme by Kerri to list 5 childhood memories. Well, as long ago as that was..I actually had to call sister to remind me of my "fond" memories. I know there must have been some memories floating around up there just needed a jiggle.

1. I remember when I was about 12 (maybe 13) my dad bought us a pony. Not only did he buy the pony but he built this awesome riding rink and shed for pony. My dad's brother had a gorgeous horse farm and I remember feeling like we were the shit. Literally..... Pony was sold when he bucked(the damn horse never moved quicker than a walk) V3 off of it and she broke her collar bone. Our stable days soon after were spent at Uncle's.
   
2. I remember my first (and last) motorcycle. My dad (he was a sucker for his four girls) bought himself a big ole ride and he figured it would smooth things over with mom if he bought us girls a "bike" too. Crazy man. I think he secretly wished we were boys. We loved that motorcycle. Until my sister V3(seeing a pattern here...) oh yeah, we four girls all have the same initials. Sorta like cousin Daryl and other cousin Daryl... youngest sister and I share a middle name too... must have run out of L names by the time she was born. Anyway, bike was sold after V3 took a chunk outta the house(slammed in to it) with it and then ran it under dad's flat bed truck! Apparently she forgot which was the brake and which was the gas. She was not hurt but dang was she shook up. We knew we were going to be in big trouble with mom. V3 was only about ten years old at the time. V2 and I were told under no circumstances were we to put her on the bike. Her feet barely touched the ground. No way! Well, we obviously did not listen well. She fixed us. She sold the bike immediately.
   
3. I remember vividly the first (yes, there were many more) party my mom busted. I was a sophmore in high school and my best friend J. (still bf) had a big party at her house. (drinking--and other stuff kind of party...) Her mom was kind enough to go to her granny's so we could enjoy ourselves! I would never agree to this with my own girls. My mom and dad had dropped me off (I think I had been grounded prior for something so they took me to party) and as they were pulling away from the house they saw a bunch of the football players running towards said friends house with 12 packs under each arm. My mother being the ever so sharp eagle puss(you would have thought she was an effing detective) that she was back then instructed my dad to whip their "ride" around and follow the boys in. I'll never forget the words that bellowed out of my moms lips(as I stood clutching my bottle of Tickle Pink) as she grazed the threshold. "I'm calling the cops, where are your parent's J."! Jesus! I could have dug a hole to China at that point. My other girl friend was under the kitchen table hiding and hoping my parent's did not see her. I've never seen 100 kids disperse so quickly. Needless to say my threats of quitting school never panned out. Instead my parent's eventually moved us to a remote town which I couldn't get away or out of quick enough. "Slowtown"....
   
4. I use to stay at my dear, dear friend T's almost every weekend in high school. I loved staying at her house. Her mom was so awesome and totally cool. We would drink her dad's liquor(unbeknown to her parent's) and then we would streak up and down Cherry Bottom Road doing gymnastics and splits! We would duck into the bushes when we heard a car coming. We thought we were so daring. Well, until we almost got busted by her dad one night. We heard a car coming but it was coming down her lane. So we ran into the house. It was her dad pulling down the driveway! We both jumped into bed and dove under the covers. I can't remember to this day if we had a chance to get our clothes back on. Ahhhh.....yeah we were definitely a little on the wild side.
5. I remember visiting my great grandmother's every weekend up until I was about 12-13 years old. She always had something coming out of the oven (usually hot homemade bread) or some type of homemade stew on the stove top. We use to spend every holiday at her home until she was killed in a car accident. The family never really recovered. She and my great grandfather were the matriarchs of dad's family. I use to love going to their home. As they got older I would help grandma clean her house.Memories....

Well, I don't know if that's what you were looking for but those are my memories. There are a few others however a bit randy so I won't go there..... I am tagging the following to share their childhood memories.

Just remembered a couple of memories that made me smile. Staying with my grandmother over the summer's and listening to Paul Harvey while she fried up some of her home cooked fried eggs, potatoes and home made biscuits. I can smell the bacon now. Also my grandfather rescued a couple raccoons and my grandmother cared for them until they were about 10 or so years old. (kept em in a giant cage in their backyard). Use to fry up chicken wings and buttered corn for the coons. Cutest thing I ever saw was "Susie" taking pen and of grandpa's pocket and playing with it. They turned them loose but they came back!

Cindy
Lesley
Lilli
Get in the car!
Paloma